My New Year’s resolution is to never make another New Year’s resolution.
Of course, that only lasts for one year, but that’s fine, because nobody ever lives up to their resolutions anyway.
People say they’re going to lose weight. Or they’re going to exercise more. Or save more money. Or they’ll quit drinking or smoking. Why not resolve to enjoy life more, instead of less? (although kicking the butts is always a good move.)
One of my FOXNews.com colleagues has resolved, with her husband, to reduce obligations to extended family in order to enjoy their immediate family more. She put it something like this:
“After a 2004 filled to the max with all these family obligations, weddings, showers, etc., we have resolved that 2005 is the year of the independent Smith family, meaning the three of us. We’re not going to cancel our own plans to go to another ridiculous family gathering; we’re not going to blow all our extra cash on shower gifts and baby gifts and wedding gifts; we’re not going to be roped into going on group vacations with relatives. It’s our year to do our own thing. This includes either giving more money to charity or volunteer work, something that our constant family social and financial obligations also keep us from doing.”
Now there’s somebody who is fed up, and I’m sure a lot of other people can relate.
I wish the Oblivions would resolve to stop being so darn Oblivious all the time, but alas — if that were the case, they wouldn’t be Oblivions. So much for that idea.
That means another year’s worth of bad yielders on the highways — those who stop short at yield signs and those who blow through them, never yielding to anyone.
It means more Left Lane Vigilantes — you know — people hell-bent on making sure nobody exceeds the speed limit in the passing lane. It means more Michael Moore movies. This year Moore will focus on the big mean pharmaceutical companies that are selfishly working to develop drugs that make us feel better — good job, Moore.
I hope you put them all out of business with your objective expose.
It means 2005 could be the year of the Obliviot.
Heaven knows the shopping malls got their share of Obliviots the past few weekends. I’ve never seen more people huddled at the bottom of an escalator before. Or how about the hordes of people returning merchandise when only one clerk is scheduled to work? What kind of Obliviot store manager thought that one up?
Here’s my resolution: I’m going to stop overpaying for life.
I’m a big fan of Sears these days. I love Craftsman tools, but I’ve also decided that I will never pay more than $16.99 for a pair of jeans ever again. Call me the Canyon River Blues kid from now on.
I also wear Old Spice cologne — $6 at the drug store. I know that sounds crazy, with all of the choices men have these days, but I want my daughter to grow up knowing that her father smells like a man, not a flower. For more on this read Back to the Basics from the Strakalogue archive.
I’m also in the market for a Hybrid. I can’t wait to get rid of my little German job. Too expensive for what you get, if you ask me. My next vehicle is most likely a Ford Escape Hybrid (search). Since I drive to a park-and-ride anyway, I might not ever use the full tank of gas, which is a good thing in these turbulent times in the Middle East.
The way the Hybrid works, the gasoline engine only kicks in after 20 miles per hour. All other times it’s powered by the electric engine. I think that’s so cool! (Just like I did when I switched to Optimum Voice Over IP for my telephone, I’ll periodically let you know how the Hybrid is performing).
This year I’ve also resolved to take baby Maxine and Mrs. Grrr! on another Carnival Cruise. Last year we went to Canadian ports, but this time around we want warm. And if we time it right, we might be able to lessen the Oblivion encounters.
The point is, there are so many choices in this great nation of ours. Exercise them. Don’t just make blind resolutions that you’re never going to follow through with anyway.
What are you going to do? Send me your New Year’s resolutions … your real ones anyway, and I’ll post a lot of them next week.
Happy New Year!
Now for Your Grrrs
Lisa in N.Y.: While traveling back to my apartment last night, I sat across the way from a
woman with an incredibly large and distasteful fur coat. Being that the holidays are over, the train was incredibly packed on the way back and seats were very scarce. This woman proceeded to put her coat on the seat next to her, and when asked by another passenger to move her coat so he could sit down, she declined. First of all, I could never imagine saying no to someone who wished to actually SIT in the seat, but she proceeds to say that she wouldn’t move her coat because it was fur! So instead, this poor gentleman stood for the hour train ride back to NYC because of this ImporTant’s selfishness. Then, Miss Fur Coat complains that it’s not her fault he had to stand, but rather NJ Transit’s, because they didn’t have enough trains running to calm the overcrowding! (Now I’m sure we all have our mass transit system Grrrrs, but come on!) I wonder if the poor animal killed for her coat was happy that it got a seat?
Melissa In N.J.: Your face on the news headlines this week was welcoming! I enjoyed seeing a handsome guy reporting for a change!! Tell me, did a Commander really write the poem or do you have a clever writer working for you?
—No, a commander really did write that poem. And thanks for the plug.
Tina in Norway: You had a headline where you said Michael Jackson is a disaster. And do you know just why many of you think Michael Jackson is guilty? Well, THAT IS BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE WHAT THE LYING REPORTERS, JOURNALISTS AND PRESS ARE SAYING BECAUSE THEY TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE HE IS GUILTY! AND IT IS A BIG, BIG SHAME! BUT HE IS NOT AND HE WILL BE PROVEN INNOCENT AND I THINK YOU ALL SHOULD GET A GRIP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR MICHAEL AND AT LEAST GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND NOT TREAT HIM LIKE A CRIMINAL BUT BELIEVE HE’S
INNOCENT UNTIL THE OPPOSITE IS PROVEN!!! GIVE HIM AT LEAST THAT! GIVE HIM SOME TRUST! THE MAN WHO HASN’T DONE ANYTHING TO ANYONE BUT GIVEN LOVE AND HAPPINESS! MICHAEL HAS BECOME A TARGET FOR THE PRESS, WHO ONLY WANT TO BREAK HIM DOWN! GIVE THE MAN A BREAK AND GIVE HIM SOME CREDIT AND DON’T EVER FORGET ALL THE THINGS HE HAS DONE FOR US, AND FOR THE CHILDREN! DON’T EVER FORGET HOW GREAT THIS MAN REALLY IS, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS!
—Tina, get a grip. And by the way, the ALL CAPS really helped.
Click Here for More of Your Grrrs …..
Until next week … Grrr!
Mike Straka is the director of operations and special projects for FOXNews.com, and contributes as a features reporter on FOX Magazine, and as a news cut-ins anchor on FOX News Channel. Mike also appeared in Analyze This. Read Mike’s Bio.
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